


You're not him, and that's okay.

by orphan_account



Category: Transformers: Prime
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Depression, Destruction of flower garden on accident, Destruction of flower garden on purpose, Dirty Talk, Emotional Hurt, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Falling In Love, First Meetings, Fluff and Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Knock Out being Knock Out, Lost Love, Mildly Dubious Consent, Possessive Behavior, Praise Kink, Protectiveness, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Shameless Smut, Slight kidnapping, Threats of Violence, Trust Issues, anger issues, rocky beginnings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-06-30 23:56:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15762363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He wasn't Breakdown, you weren't Breakdown. Nothing could replace him but in the end that was okay, because he didn't need to be replaced.





	1. Memories

**Author's Note:**

> I am feeling pretty good about this story so far.

_First time I met you:_

_"HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!"_

_A booming voice cried out into the darkness, unintentionally waking up the only inhabitant of the area. With a groan a small figure rose groggily from the bed and not so gracefully plopped on to the floor. Hazy from sleep the figure waddled to the front door and opened it without a second thought. Stepping out into the warm night, they peered around without truly looking for anything till the spotted a large looming shadow over their flower garden. A rather destroyed flower garden, that gave them pause._

_"My garden...."_

_"HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME!!" The large figured stomped and kicked the ground, slamming its fist into the poor flowers. With little thought and great disappointment the much smaller figure approached the raging giant. "Excuse me." The person called out but the other was not listening or simple did not here them. With a deep breath they tried again "Excuse me!" They shouted, yet still they were ignored. Gritting their teeth at the rude behavior they inhaled and then "EXCUSE ME!" they screamed as loud as they could hoping to get the giants attention. It worked, the raging shadow stilled, turning slowly it trained a single yellow eye on the other person._

_The giant just stared at the smaller figure, said figure shuffled awkwardly under the intense scrutinizing eye. Clearing their throat, they opened their mouth to talk but stalled when the giant snarled at them and bounded over ready to bring a hammer down on them. The tiny figure let out a squeak and held up their arms "Wait!" They practically screeched as they cowered from the taller robot? On closer inspection it was a robot, or at least looked like a robot. But that didn't matter because said robot had actually waited and was currently glaring at the tiny human. "I'm waiting." It practically hissed as it hovered it's hammer above the humans head. With a shaky intake of breath the human straightened a bit._

_"You destroyed my flower garden." They said sounding far more composed than they really were. The statement gave the giant robot pause, assuming the human would have begged for its the Mech was taken a bit off guard. "So?" It sneered, not seeing the issue when clearly any moment the puny human was going to be crushed. Squinting up at the giant the human let out a huff._

_"So? So? What do you mean so!? You destroyed my garden and I want to know why. Obviously you seem upset, but there must be better ways than to ruin someone else's things. Right? I mean you could talk about what is upsetting you instead of random destruction. Because that just isn't healthy, it would feel good in the moment but in the long run you really aren't fixing anything by doing this. If you need someone to talk to you could talk to me, I mean I am panicking a bit because you are a giant robot but I could get over that and I would rather hear about your problems instead of subjugate more flower gardens to your wrath. Though I understand if you don't want to talk to me because I am a stranger to you. Which by the way my  name is Aspen, what is your name giant robot person, man, dude, guy?"_

_Through all of that awkward word vomit the giant just stared at Aspen in disbelief as they heaved for oxygen. With a tsk the robot stood up and walked away only turning around to sneer and Aspen. "Like I would need your help fleshie." It growled as it slammed its hammer one more time into the defenseless garden. And with that final note it transformed into a car a drove away._

_Watching after the car as it drove off Aspen frowned._

_"Rude."_

 

_Second meeting:_

 

_Aspen was sitting comfortably on her front porch enjoying the mid afternoon sun when suddenly  blinding swirls of green, blue, and white filled her vision. Shielding her eyes Aspen squinted at the vortex of color only to see a rather familiar giant step out of it. Blinking several times to take in the sudden appearance of the robot, Aspen noticed that he (he because it sounded rather masculine when it threatened her, so just making educated guesses here) conveniently stomped on her flower garden again and she had just planted new flowers for heaven sake! With a glower Aspen got up from her chair and marched over to the giant and gave her own sneer._

_"Are you serious! I bet you did this on purpose! Why are you back!" She hollered at the smirking robot._

_"I am serious. I did and I am back because I want to take you up on that offer to talk." The smirk fell out of place at the end and it made Aspen feel uncomfortable for reasons she did not understand. She just had a feeling that the robot in front of her was usually a confident cocky dude and this whole solemn vibe didn't fit him. With a frown Aspen plopped down onto the ground and gestured for Roboguy to do the same, which he surprisingly did with a heavy sigh._

_"Alright, first off can I get your  name?"_

_"It's Breakdown."_

_"Your name is Breakdown?"_

_"Yeah, you got a problem with that Fleshie?"_

_"What? No, of course not. It's just an interesting name is all, and speaking of which my name isn't fleshie. It's Aspen which I do remember telling you last time you came here to randomly destroy my garden in a fit of rage." Aspen crossed her arms in a huff and glared at Breakdown, who in turn glared back. "Are you going to be like this the entire time I am here or do I need to leave because this is turning out to be a waste of my time, **fleshie**." Breakdown really emphasized fleshie. Aspen wanted to retort but held her tongue while shaking her head._

_"Fine, now tell me what is wrong?"_

_With a hefty sigh and slumping of shoulders that is exactly what Breakdown did._

 

_More threats:_

 

_After everything Aspen had learned from Breakdown, which had taken the better half that day she couldn't help but disappointed in humanity and fascinated with Cybertronians. Sure Breakdown and his kind were most certainly fascinating but it was cruel to treat him that way. And then this Megatron character being a complete ass, seriously who treated their own men like that? It was wrong and not to mention everything before and the destruction of his home planet. It had been a lot to take in though what really seemed to have been bothering Breakdown was the lack of attention as of late from his partner Knock Out. Knock Out was a whole new can of worms that Breakdown had barely even gotten started on before he abruptly left._

_Aspen pondered over all of this while planting new flowers in her garden, which she hoped would last longer than the last ones. She really loved gardening, it helped ease the stress of everyday life. With a soft smile she set another daffodil into the dirt when her hopes were dashed at the sight of a once again blinding vortex. With a sudden screech Aspen tumbled out of the way before a giant foot stepped on her, though the same could not be said for her daffodils. They were once again mercilessly crushed under Breakdown's foot. With a small cry for her poor garden once again Aspen threw a small rock at Breakdown as he stood fully in her garden._

_"Again! Do you just hate my garden? Because this is getting ridiculous!" Aspen huffed and puffed at Breakdown who looked rather unimpressed with the tiny human's temper tantrum. With a spiteful shrug Breakdown sat down on the flowers further destroying them. Suddenly rushing over Aspen hit Breakdowns leg with insufficient fists. With a sudden snarl Breakdown grabbed Aspen and brought her up to his face in a near bone crushing grip._

_"Listen here you fragging pest, I will do what I want and if what I want is to ruin you slagging flower garden then I am going to ruin your slagging flower garden. There is nothing that you will be able to do to stop me so stop your complaining and Primus help  you if you ever touch me again with your disgusting organic servos. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME FLESHIE!" Roaring the last part barely inches from Aspens face._

_Shaking uncontrollably Aspen nodded as best she could, with that Breakdown practically dropped her on the ground and glowered at the shaking human. "Now why I came here, I need to talk more." Breakdown stated. All Aspen could do was nod along while trying to slow her racing heart. In the end she didn't hear much of Breakdowns rant._

 

_Why do you keep coming back:_

 

_After the last meeting Aspen had hoped that Breakdown wouldn't come back, she had never felt more terrified in her entire life. It should be hard to forget that, that he was a practical Titan and could crush her under is pede but she did forget somehow and it seemed to have almost cost her, her life._

_At the thought of near death Aspen let out a shuddering breath as she sipped her tea. It had been a full two weeks and her garden once again looked beautiful, she had a hard time letting the destruction of her garden go and it was almost funny, yet not exactly because again near death experience. With a deep sigh Aspen snuggled further into her blankets on the couch, ready to let Breakdown and his many issues leave her mind when again the swirling vortex appeared, not as bad as before because this time she was inside and facing away from the garden. Hesitantly Aspen wondered if she should just pretend she wasn't home and then maybe he might leave. Yet luck was not on her side._

_"Human get out here. I know you are here and I wont be leaving till you get your aft outside." Breakdown shouted. Still tempted to just hide in her nest and pretend to never have been home Aspen sighed and extracted herself from the comfort of her blankets and waddled outside tea in hand. Sitting on the front steps her eyes wandered to the already destroyed garden with an even deeper sigh Aspen's eyes traveled back to Breakdown._

_"Why do you keep coming back?" Aspen questioned gently sipping her tea._

_Breakdown snorted at the question "I need to talk to someone, you said so yourself."_

_"Yes.... Yes I did say that. And yet you dismissed it at first, threatened me, came back, destroyed my garden which will probably never let got, came back again, threatened me even more. And might I say that was horrifying, which is exactly what you intended, you seem to hate me. My mere touch threw you into a near murderous rage. But you still come back when you made it rather obvious that I disgust you. And I can't seem to figure out why you come back when you hate my species, when you hate me so much. I am sure you could find one of your own to confide in which would make you feel better because you don't disgust them. They don't disgust you with their touch. But you don't you come back." With a deep inhale "Why do you come back?" Aspen asked again._

_This time there was no scoff, not snort, nothing but silence as Breakdown stared at Aspen. Aspen waited, not sure if Breakdown was going to say anything or just leave._

_"I don't know." Breakdown said quietly._

_"I'm sorry, what?"_

_"I SAID i DON'T KNOW!" Breakdown screamed and slammed a giant servo next to Aspen making her jump._

_"I don't know why I keep coming back. Slag I just don't know, maybe it was because you seemed to actually care? You acted like you fragging cared and it was nice, Oh Primus it was nice and different. Do you care though?" Breakdown looked well he looked like he was going to have a breakdown. With a shaky hand Aspen reached out and touched Breakdown, expecting him to snarl and crush her to death. Yet it didn'y happen, instead he nuzzled her hand like an over-sized kitten, his engines even let out a soft rumble like purr._

_"I want to care, because you honestly need someone. And apparently I am a bleeding heart because I want to help you. But it is difficult to help you when you threaten me and scare me half to death, as you can guess that just makes me fear you." Aspen rubbed her thumb over his faceplate right under his optic. Breakdown melted at the touch and sighed "I suppose I can not threaten you and maybe even not destroy your garden."_

_With a gentle smile Aspen put down her tea and cupped Breakdowns face with both of her small hands "Now that is something I can wholeheartedly agree to."_  
  


 


	2. He was rude the first time too.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been over a month and still nothing from Breakdown, Aspen is worried sick and has no idea how to contact him. Until the ground bridge is seen swirling in her garden again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going better than expected.

Aspen was wearing a hole into her floor, she just knew it. Yet it couldn't be helped, she was just to worried. It has been over a month yet no word from Breakdown, and while it wasn't that unusual not to see him all the time he at least contacted her to let her know if something and come up or was going down currently. Though how he could contact her and yet she could not contact him remained a mystery to Aspen, a rather unfair mystery if she does say so her self, which she does. At a time like this Aspen would kill to be able to call Breakdown or text him if that was even possible just to make sure everything was alright, yet at this point in time Aspen had nothing and was left completely on the dark.

Sitting down in a huff Aspen felt tears prick the edges of her eyes,  _'This just wasn't fair.'_ she thought bitterly as her foot tapped uncontrollably against the hard wood of her living room. Aspen missed Breakdown and after the first initial issues they had things had gotten better. She grew to love the loud destructive Mech, in time he had even stopped destroying her garden! They had made so much progress together! 

_'It just isn't fair. What could be keeping him.'_ Aspen glared at the floor till a horrible horrible thought popped into her head.

_'He could be dead.'_

Aspen nearly choked on the breath she took, it just didn't seem possible. Breakdown was so Breakdown, he was strong and had lived this long through the on going war that he couldn't have possibly faltered now. 

_'But he has been fighting for so long, things can happen.'_

_'No, just no. I refuse to believe Breakdown is dead.'_

_'Yet it could explain his recent absence.'_

Aspen let out a shuddering sob, her thoughts taking a far darker turn than she thought. Shaking her head, she rubbed the tears from her face and shakily got up. Yet she paused because she didn't know what to do, she couldn't focus for long. Not with worry for Breakdown consuming her every thought, with a defeated sigh Aspen sank back down into the couch. Closing her eyes tightly she curled in on herself, yet even with her eyes screwed shut the unmistakable colors of the ground bridge brightened up the living room. 

Snapping her eyes open Aspen scrambled off the couch, gracelessly landing on her ass in the process. Yet she didn't care, half crawling half sprinting Aspen tumbled through her front door and onto the porch. 

"Breakdown!"

"Oh my god Breakdown! Where have you been? It's been a month! I have mis....." Aspen trailed off as her eyes locked onto unfamiliar peds. Slowly trekking her gaze upward, along elegant seams and cherry red chassie her eyes landed on red optics. Rather beautiful red optics but they weren't Breakdown's gold so it was disappointing. More than disappointing, it was devastating.

The red Mech held Aspens gaze as a flurry of emotions raced across her face. Narrowed optics scrutinized the human "How do you know Breakdown?" A rather unexpected smooth voice filled the air. Aspen refocused on the new Mech, though not really new at all because she knew so much about him from Breakdown. With a small frown Aspen glanced else where "It's complicated." She muttered, playing with her fingers. Knock Out as she knew him to be called scoffed at her.  

'Complicated? You want to know what is complicated you disgusting fleshie? What is so slagging complicated is that Breakdown is gone and I finally fragging find out where he had been disappearing to for so long only to learn it was so he could interact with your vile species." Knock Out snarled at Aspen as he approached her, successfully stomping on her garden. Despite the sudden dire situation Aspen couldn't stop a smile from spreading across her face, a small laugh bubbling past her lips. Knock Out paused in his advance and stared at the human in distaste, but couldn't help but be curious as to what made them laugh. 

"What is funny you filth?"

Another soft laugh "When I first met Breakdown he had ruined my flower garden in a fit of rage, and you have just done the same. Yet with far less aggressive smashing and more just angry stomps."

"What?"

"He was rude to when I first met him, though far less insulting than you are being."

Knock Out glared at the human and crossed his arms over each other with a snort, not the most attractive noise he could have made but it fit the situation. "And what pray tell do you even know about Breakdown?" He snarled. Aspen just shook her head in minor amusement then suddenly got solemn. 

"You said Breakdown was gone.... What exactly did you mean by that? Is he.... Is he..." Aspen could't bring herself to say the word out loud, she felt if she did then it would have to be true. It would become reality, a reality that she wasn't ready to face yet. For a brief moment Knock Out softened thinking about Breakdown, yet he shook his helm and grimaced.

"Breakdown is dead, his spark is on with the Allspark now." Knock out spoke barely above a whisper but Aspen still heard him. His words hitting her full force, collapsing on the front steps Aspen felt like she couldn't breath. Her vision was tunneling, her heart was racing, it couldn't be true yet it was. It was and it was painful, everything felt like it was on fire. Aspen loved Breakdown, loved him like she had never felt the need to love someone before. She had thought that in the end they would have been able to live some sort of life together, it may have been foolish and down right childish but Aspen hoped anyways. Hoped with all her heart but that hope was crushed. Destroyed like her flower garden, yet this is something she could never replant. Aspen couldn't just make Breakdown regrow like some plant, she couldn't fix her heart with new mulch and vibrant flowers. She could do nothing but sit there with labored breath and agonized sobs, letting out her sorrow at learning her Breakdown was dead. Aspen couldn't handle that, not right now, not maybe ever. And with that final notion Aspens world went black, the last thing she was cherry red.


	3. No one is a pretty crier.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one can make crying look good, no matter what some say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mainly Aspen just being in pain and not dealing with the news well at all. Also it will be a short chapter because I need to get in the groove again of writing.

_A light breeze ruffled through the trees, making Aspens hair lift slightly around her shoulders and get in her face. Spluttering a little from the air caught in her mouth Breakdown couldn't help but chuckle at her predicament. Aspen huffed and smoothed her hair away from her face and stuck her tongue out at Breakdown which only made him chuckle more._

_His chuckle was deep and soothing, it was like music to her ears. It was a shame because she didn't get to hear it often and she cherished it every time it graced her ears. A small smile spread across Aspens face and she looked up at Breakdown with soft eyes. Looking back at her with his one good optic Breakdown returned her smile and gently ran a single digit through her hair. Breakdown seemed to like her hair, he says it's because it was so different because hey he doesn't have it. Over time the things that seemed to disgust him started to interest him though only with her. Any other fleshie was gross but not her and that made Aspen feel special._

_"Hey Breakdown?"_

_"Yeah Aspen, what is it?"_

_"I love you."_

_"I love you too Aspen."_

_Aspen couldn't help but the huge smile that spread across her face. It made her so happy that the one she cared most about loved her in return, it was an amazing feeling that she never wanted to give up._

_"Hey Aspen?"  
_

_"Yes Breakdown?"_

_"You need to wake up now."_

_"What? I am awake silly. I don't need to wake up."_

_Aspen gave Breakdown an odd look like he was crazy. He only gave her a sad smile and got up from where they were sitting and started walking away. Panic started to fill Aspen and she got up and followed him._

_"Where are you going?"_

_"I have to go and you need to wake up."_

_"But I am awake!"_

_"No, no you are not. Now wake up."_

_*_

_*_

 

The fog abruptly cleared from Aspens mind and she shot up so fast she almost fell off her porch stairs. For a moment Aspen couldn't remember why she was outside or how she got outside and then she spotted the ruined flower garden and everything just rushed back so fast that it made her head spin. KnockOut had been here, he ruined the garden, insulted her, and Breakdown is gone. Breakdown is gone, he is gone for good. Aspen almost passed out again but somehow she stayed awake this time. Her stomach were in knots and fresh tears ran down her face like rivers. She let out a shuddering sob and curled into herself on her front porch. She just sobbed not caring how loud she being, her vision was getting blurry and it felt like her heart was being ripped out of her chest again and again. Wet coughs escaped her throat as she found the strength to crawl back into her house. Collapsing on the floor of her entry way Aspen let out more wet coughs and hiccuping sobs, she didn't care that she wasn't pulling it together. Who could even do that right away when the just learned that the one they love died? No one, no one could deal with that gracefully right away. 

Aspen didn't want to leave her entry way, she didn't want to move again ever. She wanted to waste away right here and do nothing except wallow in her misery. But she wouldn't waste away not here in the entry way anyways. Forcing herself to shuffle down her hallway and into her room Aspen proceeded to collapse in her bed and cry silently. No noise was coming out, her shoulders were shaking violently and tears were still streaming down her face but nothing was coming out. Aspen wanted to scream and be angry but she couldn't bring herself to do either, she didn't even know who to be angry at. KnockOut didn't tell her how Breakdown died, he told her nothing other than he was dead and that upset her. So she did have someone to be angry at, she was angry at KnockOut for no reason other than he was the one to deliver the news to her that Breakdown was gone. She didn't want to see KnockOut again but she did because she wanted to know what happened to Breakdown and he was the only one who would have answers. Not like she could go to anyone else she couldn't even go to KnockOut for answers because she had no idea how to contact him. She couldn't even contact Breakdown and they had something. Aspen let out a broken sob and buried her face into her pillow. Life had been going so well and now it was all going down hill, everything was crashing down and it was suffocating. Everything has been derailed and the train has crashed, every thing is in flames and people are screaming. 

"I know life isn't fair but this, this is too much." Aspen croaked out. Her voice came out like static and bitter sounding. It wasn't fair, screwing her eyes shut tightly Aspen forced herself to breath through her nose and out through her mouth. Forcing herself to calm down enough that she eventually drifted off into a fitful slumber. Where she dreamed of KnockOut telling her over and over again that Breakdown was gone. 

 


End file.
